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January 8, 2009 § 18 Comments

{long, involved, f-word &…getting anxious}

It revolves around the pending surgery I have to undergo. When my doctors & I started discussing it in November, ‘after the New Year‘ seemed eons away. Well now it’s here & it looks like it will be anytime between April and May; possibly March.

I have always felt a little conflicted over writing publicly about this part of my life, but it does actually help me to deal with it in some ways. Putting it out there somehow makes it less of a big bad-ass monster; & it also just so happens that I’ve been in the throughs of a flare up the past few days & popping tramadol. The blessing is that my family is in full Muffin Mode so I haven’t had to worry. Have I mentioned that I hate being on these pills?

There are a few scenarios, none of which make me happy as the end result for all is the same- take out my one remaining ovary.

I have to have the surgery because the wreckage from years of aggressive endometriosis in the form of nasty lesions everywhere, scar tissue from so many previous surgeries & the likelihood that those pesky little precancerous ovarian tumors might come back is too high. The chronic episodic pain is getting worse, I’m sick of lupron shots & some other details I’ll omit.

The plan is to do the surgery by laparoscopy but I have to be prepared for the possibility of waking up & finding out I had a laparotomy, which would suck. I’ve had one before & must say, not really a big fan. The morphine was neat & all but after a few days it wasn’t so cool {but since my last surgery was on US election day ’04, it did soften the blow of waking up to find that McDummy had been elected}.

The positive to the surgery is that 1. I won’t get ovarian cancer & 2. much of the chronic pain will probably dissipate drastically or disappear altogether. The downside is that there’s no guarantee that I’ll be pain-free; much of the success in dealing with that depends on how many of the lesions they can deal with. So it’s going to be like a surprise!

What is bothering me the most? Not the fact that I’m feeling as though my womanhood is being hacked away or that I’ll be tossed into instant menopause or just simply that endometriosis is evil, but that I’ll be away from Mini-muffin for at minimum 5 days & then not able to lift him or be 100% mommy for weeks. Certainly in the long run this is the best option. Once I’m recovered, a chunk of the problems will be gone & my life won’t be so rudely interrupted, & whatever pain is left should be much more manageable.

Even though it may sound otherwise, this isn’t a pity party. My doctors had started a discussion about this with me a long time ago. Being sensitive, kind & smart, they knew this would be a case of timing is everything. Wouldn’t have been a good idea right after our miscarriage & during our adoption process would have only added another layer of stress & emotional hell. Now that we are with our Muffin it doesn’t seem half as heavy. There are still aspects of it that make me sad & I wish it didn’t have to be done, but what the fuck can I do about it?

Time for bed. Nighty-night. xx

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§ 18 Responses to *

  • Elizabeth says:

    Oh!
    I am thinking about how this might feel. My sister is going through something similar and I know how difficult it has been for her. I am going to look up some of the medical terms you used and also think light-filled.
    Your blog is so beautiful and your writing so gracious it is hard to think of you suffering but that is stupid I know. Anyway. xo. Blessings. Yours is one of the only blogs I check regularly- as I said before. Pure Magic.

  • melinda says:

    That sucks so much. The things our bodies will do to us. I’ll be thinking of you. I really hope the surgery helps with the pain.

  • Lauren says:

    Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m hoping that the outcome is the best one possible and that you won’t be away from Mini-muffin for very long.

    I’m just now getting caught up on blogs and commenting…your pictures from your time in the States have been amazing. Sounds like a wonderful time. Stay strong and know that lots of people will be hoping and praying for you during the upcoming surgery. Oh…and that 52 week thing? Awesome! I may have to do this for River, what wonderful way to watch your child grow and change over the year!!

  • klarobinson215 says:

    I’m so sorry that you have to endure another surgery – I hope it is only the laparoscopy. I have had 3 – but have not had the laparotomy… yet. Just imagine… the rest of your life possibly pain free – and more quality time with Mini-Muffin in the long run! For now it can be cuddles in bed, more stroller time, and Daddy can get more of a turn. Stay strong!

  • Miriam says:

    I am so sorry you are having to go through this, and I do hope it takes as much pain away as possible, but glad it is less heavy now that you have your son in your life. It has been a joy reading about your times with him, your happiness shines through in your words and photos.

  • Jodean says:

    I am so sorry you are having to go through this. You and your family will be in my thoughts!

  • Sarah says:

    (((((gentle hugs)))))

  • Katherine says:

    I’m sorry that you even have to deal with this at all. I hope that everything goes smoothly and that you are pain-free afterwards. The separation and restrictions will be hard on all of you but you will get through it. Can you skype from the hospital? That would help…

  • frumiousb says:

    And so sorry to hear from you that this is going on. If we can do anything for you here in the Netherlands before, during or after, please let me know.

  • Gina says:

    Sending positive thoughts your way for peace, well-being, and healing.

  • Gayla says:

    I am so sorry you have to go through this. Sending lots of good thoughts your way.

    On another note, your pictures from last year are truly amazing.

  • kirie says:

    Thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way as you prepare for surgery, and then *healing*.
    Kirie

  • HabeshaChild says:

    Ugh. What a drag. I wish I had something to say to make it better. But please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. And although your time away from Mini Muffin will seem long, it’ll go by fast, and he will be FINE (for sure, we suffer more than they do when we leave the little ones in the loving care of someone else)…

  • gregory says:

    Thinking of you. What a lovely picture of the muffin.

  • Christine says:

    Sigh… medical stuff s*cks. Thinking of you and sending you hugs…

  • dana says:

    I am so sorry you are having to go through another surgery . Here is to a healthier 2009!

  • Jenna says:

    Yuck. I wish I could offer some magical advice or words to make it all better…but it all just sucks. Sometimes life should be easier. I know you’ll do great. I’m glad you’ve found that posting about it makes it a little easier…vent away girl, vent away!

  • Kristin says:

    I’m so upset that you’re having to deal with this! I hope things go smoothly, and that recovery happens quickly and with zero complications. AND, if it removes any chance that you’ll get ovarian cancer, then I’m sure that will be some comfort to you…

    ((((HUGS))))

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